Hope...?

PHOTO BY JOHN BARDUHN.  CIRCA 2006

"When you're lost in the rain in Juarez when its Easter time too, and your gravity fails and negativity don't pull you through..."

-Bob Dylan

I am quite touched to be a part of my best friend's book.

She has asked me to supply her photos that will coordinate with the chapters she has written.

We talked about it on Christmas Eve over Baileys and red wine.  Lots of things verbalized in her book flirt with tragedy, loss and hurt; topics for which I could easily supply photos.  However, there is one problem.  She spoke to me at length about wanting to include photos of "hope" in her book.

How the hell do I do that?

Ugh.

"At night I drink myself to sleep and pretend I don't care that you're not here with me."

-Michael Stipe

I'm sick of "I don't want to hurt you anymore," as though ending things means that I'll stop being hurt.  What really should be said in that situation is, "This is the final time I'm going to take responsibility for hurting you."

I don't know...just something on my mind lately.

"I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it."

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."

-Marcus Aurelius

Black Holes.

"It is not clear that intelligence has any long-term survival value."

-Stephen Hawking

Raining in Baltimore.

"I need a phone call,

I need a plane ride,

I need a sunburn, 

I need a raincoat"

-Counting Crows

Day 1

"Hey, hey, hey, mother interstate, can you deliver me from evil, make me honest, make me wedding cake?"

-Conor Oberst

The Plight of the Giver.

"If we're growing, we're always going to be out of our comfort zone."

-John Maxwell

As always happens with heart to hearts with Love, I've gained a new outlook on recent (and maybe not so recent) events in my life.  

I came to her absolutely lost and completely empty.  I had no idea how to fix the way I felt...feel.

"I'm going to be brutally honest," she began, after about 45 minutes of our conversation.  Her eyes were wide as though they said "brace yourself."  She told me, kinder than she should have, a pattern that she has noticed in my life.  I have a tendency to try to alter my life for the the greater good of things which are beyond my control.  Things that I really haven't the ability to change or aid.  And she is absolutely right.  "You give too much of yourself, and then there isn't anything left for you."

"Thanks," I said tearing up in the middle of the PF Chang's bar (which tends to happen always in public places), "I think needed to hear that."

"I'm sorry."  She didn't need to say that.

I do need to change some things about myself.  Maybe lots of things.  Probably lots of things.  I need to start thinking about myself and myself alone.  And economy or no economy, things are going to be different.

Things NEED to be different.

Things will be different.

I'll have the humiliation...grilled-please, oh, and a side of self loathing.

"If you don't know where you are going, you can never get lost."

Herb Cohen

As is evident from my last post, I've picked up a serving gig.  Based on the current state of the economy ensuring my inability to get a "career job" ANYWHERE, it was the only logical thing for me to do.  

Ok so that makes the industry sound terrible.  It really isn't.  A few of my friends love serving.  It makes them feel free of corporate America.  It is a great way to socialize.  The difference with me is that I'm not particularly extroverted.  It isn't that I don't enjoy being around people, I just tend to be the listener as opposed to the talker.  And in regard to corporate America-it hasn't turned me off yet.  In fact, I'd be elated to work somewhere where I could actually sit down.  Call me strange, but I would love to stare at a computer screen and not talk to anyone for hours.  But most of all, the words corporate America tend to be affiliated with two words that are sure to get me all hot and bothered: Health Insurance (There was a time very recent history that I was seriously considering joining the national guard because it ensured a steady paycheck with benefits.  True story.  Ask Love).  The only reason why I tolerate serving is that it is better money than lots of other things I could do.  Until now, the reasons why I chose to wait tables were nothing more than the fact that I was doing something more important (?) with my life (school), and I needed a semi-flexible, decent paying job in order to finance that.  If someone had told me a year ago, when I was finishing up grad school, that I would be a waitress at the end of 2008 I probably would have been dumbfounded and inconsolable. 

The times when I find it to be especially terrible are the occasions when I wait on someone from high school's younger sibling.  It always seems to be the ones who discuss their 401Ks (not that there is much hope for those at the moment, but still...I've never had one) and their recent real estate purchases.  It is also really obnoxious when people ask me "if" I went to college, and then assume that I did not finish and am therefore incapable of doing anything more than serve them seven refills of ice tea.  One of these days I'll exchange my "yes, AND I have an MFA" for what they really want to hear.  "No, I actually decided that college wasn't for me and have spent the last several years as a stripper, mothering two illegitimate children (from two different fathers) who are actually in the kitchen cooking your cheesesteak as we speak.  Even at age 7, little Johnny sure is great on the deep fryer.  I'm sure he'll get promoted to prep when he grows up."  I am living testament that "college" is nothing more than an expensive piece of paper that does not ensure an edge over anyone else.  Frankly I find it pretty obnoxious that there is such an emphasis on the need to go to college despite the fact that it is not universally accessible to every young person-but that is a topic for another blog.

To sum it all up, I don't particularly like waitressing.  But none of the previously listed experiences could have prepared me for what I encountered today.

I'll start with a little history.  During the last month or so of college at UMD and part of the following summer I was dating a guy we will affectionately call "Chief."  Chief was a guy who would take me out to dinner and denounce me for things like being a Democrat and an artist.  He was a big talker and always had a knack at making me feel wholly inadequate.  For the record, my short lived "relationship" with Chief was my first after ending things with a guy who accused me of having "no personality," and so my self doubt was still at an all time high.  Chief ultimately broke my heart when he announced, after a few months of dating, that he wasn't interested in anything "serious."  My ONLY saving grace was that I never made any attempt to contact him after that.  No drunken, 3 am phone calls, no "happy birthday" texts, nothing.  Thank you Katie, for doing SOMETHING right.

Fast forward to 1:30 pm today.

After a very disappointing week (I ended up not getting a job that I really wanted-that, in my opinion, I would have been perfect for-that had been a month long interview/application process) I could think of no one I would want to see less (ESPECIALLY in a setting where I was doing anything less than holding an extremely high paying and well respected position at a highly acclaimed place of employment) than Chief.  But there he was.  In the pub...where I am a waitress.  I saw his reflection in a mirror as I carried a pile of dirty dishes to the kitchen.  And his reflection was, indeed, sitting in MY section.  

I wanted to die.

There was no way I could get rid of the table.  There was no point in trying.  After a few deep breaths and a couple of "are you f-ing kidding me?'s" I walked over...with menus.  

He was DELIGHTED to see me.  He introduced me to his boss.  Apparently, they were having a little holiday lunch.  How cute.  I did my best to not seem annoyed by his presence and I think I did an exceptionally good job at curbing my sarcasm...even when his boss complimented my jade bracelet and told me it was very "Hawaiian."  "Give me a hug!" he gushed as he left, "It is so good to see you!"  I smiled wider than what would have been normal in order to conceal the fact that I did not feel the same.  At all.

 I mean...it wasn't all bad.  I think I've lost weight since the last time I saw him, so that was some solace.  And there is no doubt in my mind that I am much happier and better off, even as a waitress, with a guy who treats me like human being, enjoys my personality, and respects my opinions.  

But still...Obama...please fix the economy so I don't have to stand and serve greasy food to sitting people that I'd rather not see, let alone serve, under any circumstance.

Misogyny, Racism, and-what now!?-AGE DISCRIMINATION?

I'm not completely sure what has happened in the past few months with regard to my appearance.  I know I look young.  I've always had a history of people mistaking me for a high school student, but lately it seems to be happening more and more.  I've never been a fan of it.  People say that I should be flattered.  I don't think I'm old enough to be flattered by that.  And frankly, of late it has been somewhat obnoxious.

Like on election day...

Man behind counter: "Hey look!  (yelling so the other 25 people in line could hear clearly) We've got a first time voter!  Go tell that guy from the paper that we found him a kid."

Really?  My first time voting?  It is 7:20 am.  How many 18 year olds come to a polling place that early when they know they've got 12 hours before shutdown?

And at work...

Man I waited on at Fado: "Hey, you look a little familiar, where did you used to work?"

Me: "Whew...god...um, well when I was 14 I worked at Mangias, then I picked up a second job when I was 16 at...then when I went to college I worked at both a bar and-"

Man: "YOU went to college?!"

Me:"Um, yes?"

Man: "Did you finish?"   (!?!?!?)

Me: "Yeah...and a masters degree after that"

Man: "Well...looks like you are putting it to good use here...(points to an empty restaurant)"

Thanks jerk.  In case you haven't been paying attention, the economy is in the toilet.  Its amazing I have THIS job.  And last time I checked, I wasn't exactly jumping for joy at the prospect that part of my job description is to refill your iced tea 7 times even though I am one of the 5-9% of Americans that have a masters degree.  It must be nice to be retired.

He then continued on to tell me, ME!!!!, how young people expect everything to be given to them and that they don't know the meaning of hard work.  He expressed concern at how the country was going to fare now that all of the "stupid young people" put Obama in office.  I stared at him in amazement. 

And when out and about...

Woman at my mom's yacht club: "Your mom is a really special lady, you'll probably appreciate her more when you're older."

Me: "When I'm older?  I think she's an incredible person now.  I don't see how I could appreciate her any more than I already-"

Woman: (interrupting) "So are you thinking about schools?"

Me: "Um, yes...I've thought a lot about schools."

Woman: "Oh, so you've narrowed it down a bit?  Where do you hope to go?!"

Me: "Well, lets see, I graduated from Maryland in 2005, and I got my MFA at SCAD in November of last-"

Woman: (interrupting again, and clearly not listening) "So, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Me: "When I grow up?  Well, I've been applying for teaching programs at some colleges without much success"

Woman: (slightly grasping the situation) "Teaching?  Colleges?  Like...small colleges, right?

!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Man on the moon

I know this is pretty late...but I wanted to congratulate this country on electing Barak Obama to be its next president; An event to rival the excitement of the first man on the moon.

Why Maryland? Why?

Today is October 27th.  Before today it had officially been 24 days since I had last driven my car.  3 weeks and 3 days...not that I'd been counting or anything.

I walked into the MVA this morning ready: My checkbook in hand and Tracy in my line of vision.  Yes Tracy.  You know its bad when you know the MVA employees by name.  

Tracy was the MVA employee who had the unfortunate duty of informing me that (AFTER 2 FULL WEEKS OF WAITING FOR THEM TO SCAN 2 DOCUMENTS) I would have to pay sales tax on the value of my car...EVEN though I don't own it...and also despite the fact that I only have 8 more lease payments.  Initially this figure was over $800.  My Mazda3 is a 2006...suddenly I wished I drove a 2001 KIA.  However, due to the fact that I had already been paying sales tax in my monthly lease payments for 2 years and 7 months, this figure was lowered to about $480.  On Friday, Tracy informed me that I would be paying this amount plus a few other registration fees, and that in the end I would need to hand over a cool (roughly) $670 to the state of Maryland.

Because I just have that lying around.

It took every ounce of me to not start sobbing until I was at least out of the lobby.

Today Tracy knew who I was without me saying a word.  "Heeeeey, there!"  She shot sympathetically (!?!?!?!) as I walked up to her...without getting a number first.  Yeah thats right.  I didn't bother even waiting in that initial line when you walk in to get your E-11 or B-14s.  I knew Tracy.  AND after being there 5 times this month, I'd like to think that I've got it like that.

She didn't protest.  She walked to the back and got the needed documents, and upon her return I tried to make light of the situation.

"Tracy, I'm gonna need to see some changes around this state.  This is about three quarters of my income this month (which is why I am waitressing!  YAY!!!! But thats for another blog),  and I'm going to be pissed every time I hit a pot hole in my car.  There better be no more crime in this state, and goddammit, I better see higher test scores in the Anne Arundel county public schools.

Ok so maybe I didn't say "goddammit," I was trying to be nice after I'd pretty much ripped her a new one on Friday.

"Ha!  The only thing you might see is a new security detail for the governor," she laughed. "Oh and hey-For an extra fee, you can get one of these nice little "Treasure the Chesapeake" license plates..."

Touché Tracy. Tou-f-ing-ché

So yeah...$658 (hey $12 savings!!!)

        plus $46 for the MD license

        plus $59 for the MD inspection

$763...oh my god.

I then filled my stepdad's gas guzzling car up with fuel and happily (?) drove home.  I put my new plates on and stuck my shiny new stickers on.  I went upstairs to fetch a new CD for the ride to work.  Elated, I settled down into the drivers seat.

And then it didn't start.

Still wet from 5 pm

"In my end is my beginning."

-Eliot

Harvest

"The AT: The most fun you'll ever have, interrupted by long walks in the woods."

-Red Beard

So proud of the Sarah Jones.  She finished the ENTIRE Appalachian Trail a few days ago.  She left from Springer Mountain, Georgia on March 28th and arrived on Mount Katahdin, Maine on October 14th.  

I met up with her as she was hiking through Maryland in July and wore an eyeshadow color called "hiking trail" in her honor.  Opposite friends unite!

You will understand it less after I have explained it.

"Every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around."

-Vanilla Sky

I miss this.

"Imagination is more important than knowledge."

-Einstein

Oldie but goodie...

"I can see you smiling baby, I don't even need to see your face."

-The Avett Brothers

The end of the show.

"One's destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things."

-Henry Miller

I want a new camera.

"You were born in St. Clare's hospital, but I say you were born up in the sky..."

-Old Crow Medicine Show

I am here. You are there.

"A work of art which did not begin in emotion is not art."

-Paul Cezanne

A Year Later.

"The journey is the reward."

-Chinese Proverb

Alabama Beauty Pageant Contestant and other MVA tales

"Excessive sorrow laughs.  Excessive joy weeps."

-William Blake

I do not think I am alone in my absolute disdain for the MVA.  Lots of creative people have imagined wild scenarios of what hell on earth would indeed look like, and many times it seems an exact replica of a Department of Motor Vehicles.  As pointed out in Love's performance at the Starving Artist Showcase last Friday, I've had a bit of trouble with my car's registration of late.  In fact, at this very moment, my car is NOT registered AT ALL.  Throughout my recent epic battle to obtain this apparently terribly elusive and coveted document I have had the opportunity to do a lot of research on DMVs.  Though said research is sadly still far from complete, at this point I can easily conclude that MVAs are not all created equal: The Maryland MVA alone is indeed the epitome of Hell on Earth.

Lets go back a few weeks.  

Friday, October 3, 2008

I was with Boh on the Eastern Shore.  We were photographing and exploring a decaying church on the side of the road near Oxford.  As we approached my car after the shoot, Boh turned to me.  "Um sweetie," he said, "are you planning on doing something about your registration anytime soon?"  Dumbfounded, my eyes shot to where he was pointing.  Sure enough, on my Georgia license plate, I had a sticker for "APR. 08."  I had been driving on expired tags since APRIL.  APRIL!  SIX MONTHS.  

So I've been a bit distracted.  Back in April I was working 4 jobs trying to save up money to move my entire life to Miami Fl. to start really working at the failing relationship with exboyfriend...only to have him tell me not to come after months of busting my butt to get there...and then there was the nasty break-up followed by months of near stalkage on his part...then the scrambling of dropping some jobs and picking up some more to pay bills...and then the reconnecting with someone amazing after something like 12 years and spending every possible moment with him since the end of September.  Yeah, my mind has been elsewhere.  

I was planning on getting a Maryland license at some point, but was delaying because I have heard horror stories about how expensive it is to do so.  But all of this time, I never received anything from the state of Georgia saying I needed to renew my tags, and so it never crossed my worried mind.  I lease my car, the leasing company never picked up on it.  I pay Geico every month.  Apparently they don't care that they are insuring an unregistered vehicle.  I park in between my mom and stepdad's cars and they never noticed it.  I've been driving for 6 months and no police officer, mall security person, or passerby got wind of it.  I am not trying to pawn off responsibility (it is by far the stupidest thing I have done in quite a while), but I still cannot believe this BIG thing slipped through so many people's fingers.  

I couldn't sleep that whole night.  I was absolutely sick about it.  Much to Boh's dismay, I woke up every 20 minutes; I agonized over how much it was going to cost to register in Maryland (you pay sales tax on your vehicle...giddyup!) and if I could afford it, how I was going to have to drive an hour home to Annapolis on expired tags (nevermind that I'd been doing it for 6 months!), how I was going to tell my mom that I'd been so dumb...

What I really should have been agonizing over was HOW LONG IT WAS GOING TO FREAKING TAKE.

Fast forward:

Saturday, October 4, 2008

I called the MVA first thing in the morning.   

"We don't deal with tags and registration at all on the weekends ma'am."

I had planned on being able to take care of it without having to tell my mom.  I've never screwed up like this before, and I guess I thought she was going to yell at me and tell me I was a terrible, irresponsible human being.  But this really isn't my mom.  She and my stepdad kind of laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation and my stepdad told me to just drive his car until I got it taken care of.  I bet they wouldn't have laughed had they known how it was really going to end up.  How is it going to end up?

Monday, October 6, 2008

9:01 am I called the MVA to see what I would need to bring in the get my registration renewed THAT DAY.  A machine told me that my wait time was "approximately 1 minute."  It was "approximately" close to 30 minutes later when I finally spoke to someone.

I was informed that I would need to do about 5 or 6 different things because my car was leased and from out of the wonderful state of Maryland before I would be considered for registration.  These things included going to the MVA to pick up a "VR-056 letter" that would have to be mailed to my leasing company requesting a title to my car and a power of attorney to be sent to the Maryland MVA, a certificate stating my vehicle had passed the Maryland state inspection, a Maryland drivers license, and Maryland automobile insurance.  It became increasingly clear that this process was going to take more than one day...

I went to the MVA, stood in the titling and registration line FOREVER and was finally greeted by a "friendly" MVA employee who filled out the VR-056 letter with me.  I FAXED it from Bare Escentuals 20 minutes later.  Forget mail.  Mail takes too long.  I didn't have that kind of time.

About 3 minutes after the fax went through I called my leasing company and professed the importance that they send these documents overnight to the MVA.

"We DHL everything, ma'am"

"Well, can you just overnight it?"

We DHL EVERYTHING," she replied rather curtly.

I called the MVA and asked how long the process would take if they received the package by DHL in a day or so.  I was informed that if they got the documents by then, I would get a call by Tuesday, October 14th.  "UGH!" I thought, "A whole WEEK without being able to drive my car!?!"  I knew I was going to be driving to the Eastern Shore to see Boh for his nephew's baptism over the weekend, and so I begrudgingly asked my parents to borrow a car for that.  They were very nice about it.  Thank goodness for cool parents.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Though my car is only 2 years old and it hasn't been driven crazily, people kept informing me that lots of the time MD state inspectors will find something wrong with cars on purpose in these situations.  However, perhaps by the grace of GOD, it passed.  If there is one good thing to come out of this situation, this would be it.  $59 plus tax.  I think that I was almost HAPPY to pay it.  

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I went to the MVA to get a Maryland license (shown above).  I guess the Alabama beauty pageant contestant photo is better than the angry stripper photo that I had on my Georgia license.  $46.  Are you kidding me!?

On my way out I stopped by the titling and registration counter.  I asked them if they'd received all of the documents from the leasing company.  After all, today was supposed to be the day.  They looked at me like I had 2 heads.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I called the MVA first thing in the morning.

A machine told me my wait time was "approximately 1 minute."  10 minutes later I was told that they had not received my documents.  "It takes us a couple days to process everything," the woman told me.  "Well it has been a couple days!  You should have received it on Wednesday!  That would mean you would have had all of my paperwork for 4 days!"  "Well it takes us about 4 days, why don't you call the leasing company and get the DHL tracking number so we can find it."

A novel idea.

The wait time isn't long at all whenever I call this company.  That is perhaps the only positive thing I can say about Mazda Credit at this time.  I was connected to the customer service department.  At first the person I talked to informed me that the documents had not been sent yet, but upon hearing the beginning of my wrath, he intelligently double checked.

"Oh! Good news!  Actually, it was sent out on Wednesday ma'am."

"Well good!  Give me the tracking number so I can help the MVA do their friggin' job!"

"Um, I don't think there is a tracking number," he said quietly.

"What do you mean no tracking number, I'm sure DHL tracks their packages."  My heart was beginning to sink...again.

"Well, it looks like we sent it out in regular mail."

I was ABSOLUTELY DUMBFOUNDED.

"I was told that EVERYTHING was sent DHL."  I gasped.

"Well...apparently this was not."

Upon further investigation, I discovered that the leasing office was located in Tennessee.  This means that if they sent out the documents on Wednesday, at best the MVA will have received it yesterday or today.  Who knows how many days it will sit on someone's desk before it begins the "4 day process" of being put in the system.  Which brings us to, at BEST, Tuesday, October 21st before I will POSSIBLY get my registration.  Nearly a full 3 weeks later...and this is if I am lucky...which I have not been thus far.

TO BE CONTINUED-

Come to THIS Show.

Performance.  Painting.  Photography.  Food.  And Fun.

Bring your friends!

Music in Substitution of Angry Rant

"This song really cures the will to live"

-Fave quote from Definitely, Maybe

I have, throughout the past several days, been trying to write a response to Love's Apology in F major, Waltz Time.  It would be an understatement for me to say that I've been pretty pissed off at the prospect of having to apologize for the things said in photographs and writing-and it seems as though over the past month or so, we have been urged to do just that.  

Heres the thing:

And I believe I can speak on behalf of Love as well when I say that there isn't anything written or depicted here that is personally incriminating or that hasn't been spoken of prior to the individual in question.  FURTHERMORE, (I speak for myself alone, although I'm sure Love would agree) I feel as though I've been a bit more gentle than I have needed to be.  

So this in a nutshell is the blog I have been interrupted from in the past few days.  In short: I'm not sorry for anything I have said in my photos or words.  I pick them carefully for a reason.

BUT that isn't the blog I want to write today.  

Instead I want to respond to Love's music blog.  

She listed some music she listens to when she writes, and I'm going to list the music I put on when editing photos.  Thematically, most of mine are similar sad songs, because it is difficult to produce anything wonderful when you are happy.  It is a cruel truth.

Which is probably why I haven't made anything good lately...

Here goes-

Honey and the Moon: Joseph Arthur

Unsent: Alanis Morissette

2 Wicky: Hooverphonic

Baton Rouge: Lou Reed

Carry Me Ohio: Sun Kil Moon

Tiny Vessels: Death Cab for Cutie

Paper Bag: Fiona Apple

Hurt: Johnny Cash

Behold! The Nightmare: Smashing Pumpkins

Just like Tom Thumb Blues: Bob Dylan

Pretty Good Year: Tori Amos

Dosed: Red Hot Chili Peppers

Living Room: Tegan and Sara

Wandering Star: Portishead

Divorce Song: Liz Phair

Pretty Girl from Chile: Avett Brothers

Truly, Truly: Grant Lee Buffalo

Rockville: R.E.M.

Lake of Fire: Nirvana cover of Meat Puppets song

Caroline: Old Crow Medicine Show

Caroline: David Grey

Candy Says: The Velvet Underground

You're Not the Only One I know: The Sundays

Street Spirit: Radiohead

Chicago: Sufjan Stevens

Sun or Snow: Chuck Regan and Austin Lucas

Men's Studies?

I spent two hours in my favorite store (Barnes and Noble) with my friend Mike yesterday evening.  We discussed the various books we were and had been reading...laughed a little bit at the Battlestar Galactica and Philosophy and Batman and Philosophy duo that were inches away from books written by Nietzsche.  Perhaps the most entertaining/brain exploding find of the day was this little number:

Save the Males

Save the...males?  Really?!  I apparently scoffed at this much louder than was appropriate and I'm not sure whether Mike got offended or was just trying to play devil's advocate.  He began with some very fitting questions (he is quite aware of my feminist tendency), and eventually I had to admit...TO BE FAIR, yes...apparently there COULD be such a field as Men's Studies.

The book included various chapters on the male experience.  The one that really caught my eye was one that pleaded for women to let go of their "trivial" daddy issues.  Obviously this person has never had daddy issues and- 

"Wait, What!?"

I was then blind sided by something else:  A woman wrote this book.

Really!?

Which brings me to my next question:

Me: "How objectively can you really write about the male experience if you are indeed not male, thus have never had said male experience?"

Mike: "Well, there are men who are in Women's Studies classes?"

(This is true...although I am inclined to say that any man who takes one of these classes is either gay or trying to appear sensitive in order to con a unsuspecting, daddy issue laden, angry, damaged girl into thinking that "all men are indeed not like their fathers and that maybe they should just sleep with this guy and give him a chance to change her mind and then maybe everything will be ok and...and...and"      Ok to be clear, yes I am a feminist, but I do not hate men)

Me: "This is true, but are those people writing the text books for the classes in this major?  That is like little blonde-haired-green-eyed-me writing a huge piece on how racism feels to the black American man!  It just doesn't work like that!  I could be the most intelligent person on this Earth and I still wouldn't even believe me!  EMPATHY is not synonymous with EXPERIENCE."

With all due respect to the carriers of external equipment...while pregnancy is still considered an "illness" to insurance companies (and under lots of private plans goes uncovered) and birth control pills are often harder to obtain than Viagra, I don't think males are in need of saving...

But there is one thing I do know for sure; I'm clearly going to have to read this book now.  GRR!

VIVA LA REVOLUCION!

Everyday is Exactly the Same.

"Someone once told me that this is the age of heartbreak.  The twenties.  Everyone and everything available to you if you'd but only ask.  What an amazing problem.  If you have everyone from with to choose-who then do you choose?  If you have every job to take-what is the one you should take?  What if you make the wrong choice?  When do you know if it is wrong?  What does wrong feel like?  What does right feel like?"

-Katie Wright, September 2007

It is amazing how much can change in a year.  It is amazing how much nothing ever changes.

A year ago I was going out of my mind trying to organize a gallery show, and worried if I would ever get a job after grad school.

Today I'm going out of my mind trying to organize a gallery show, and worried if I am EVER going to get a job after...well...all the rejection.

I think it is easier now.  I have seen all of this before.  Maybe now my skin is thicker.  Maybe the process is becoming mechanical.  Should I be relieved at this?

Savannah never felt like home.  

Here-there isn't any way I could be more at home.  

Last year I would have been absolutely shocked at the knowledge I would not have a (real) photo job in September 2008.

These days-in some way I'm thankful that at least I've got the jobs I have-although I do not feel fulfilled at all.  Does this mean I've failed myself? 

This time last year I was with someone who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.

Today that relationship is over, and I feel as though I learned a great deal about myself in the process.  And for perhaps the first time in my life I feel complete in my solitude.  Am I supposed to feel like that?  But, I'm not getting any younger...

 

At what point do we stop questioning ourselves and just start living?

Have you met my friend Lindsay?

"We do not like to look out of the same window and see a different landscape.

We do not like to climb a stair, and find that it takes us down.

We do not like to walk out of a door, and find ourselves in the same room.

We do not like the maze in the garden, because it too closely resembles the maze in the brain.

We do not like what happens when we are awake, because it too much resembles what happens when we are asleep.

We understand the ordinary business of living,

We  know how to work the machine."

-T.S. Eliot, The Family Reunion

Lindsay is pretty much my soul mate.  We went to the same middle school and high school and hated one another.  We shared many of the same high school boyfriends (one of which is now gay-probably because of us).  We look like we could be related (which added insult to injury during this period).  We became tennis partners my junior year of high school and hate turned to absolute love.  She and I are alike in so many ways.  We're both of that same "artsy chick" species that seems SO (wrongly?) elusive.  We both went to graduate school for really expensive degrees that are absolutely doing no service for us in the here an now.  We're both newly single and confused as sh*t.  We both would much rather have a used book brought to us on a first date in lieu of flowers.  We both have those periods of inner soul searching that mostly result in breathless, cold-sweat-ridden-hysteria.  But we have a knack of giving each other really solid advice (that we have a tendency not to follow ourselves).  She makes my life infinitely richer by merely existing.  

And because of all this-you should read her blog.  She is the smartest, most witty, most fall out of your chair hilarious writer I've had the chance to read.  This is her blog.  Make sure you read this one: Foucault?  Derrida?  Descartes?  Vodka.

In other Lindsay news, she will be doing a reading/performance at the upcoming starving artist group show I'm putting together for mid-October.  Details to follow.  :)

100 things about me you never needed to know.

"You are the music while the music lasts."

-Eliot

1.  I will drink Pepsi only under extremely DIRE circumstances.  Otherwise it is Coca-Cola all the way.

2.  I always order a #2 with only cheese and ketchup when at McD's.  For some reason, it tastes even better if it is being ordered at 4 am.

3.  No matter what anyone thinks, my eyes are green.  Not blue.

4.  I hate Merlot.

5.  I love war movies.

6.  I've got a mean topspin serve in ping-pong.  This was my only defense whilst playing with my older brother.  He'd beat me every time.  Jerk.

7.  I got a concussion once from a lacrosse ball.  Oddly enough, this occurred during a tennis match.  I played anyway and we won.  Take that North County!

8.  4 of my front teeth are crooked.  You can see it if I am above you.

9.  I had braces for 3 years.

10.  I had a mean set of buckteeth when I was a little kid.

11.  I never needed glasses until after going through my thesis.  

12.  I'm supposed to be wearing them now (for computing), but I never wear them.

13.  When I was a little kid, I was convinced that I would someday marry Michael J. Fox. 

14.  After Michael J. Fox, I was in love with Jonathan Brandis.

15.  My first (celebrity) crushes either killed themselves (Brandis) or got Parkinsons (Fox).

16.  I first began to ride the metro (alone) at age 9.

17.  I always knew I wanted to be an "artist."  

18.  As an adult, I now think it is immensely pompous to refer to myself as an "artist."  I'll stick to "conceptual photographer."

19.  The first camera I used was one I stole from my brother.  What?  He was too busy playing ping-pong.

19.  I know all the words to all the songs in Les Miserables.

20.  I don't like the texture of fish that swim.  The taste is also pretty gross too.  I only eat shellfish.

21.  I never learned higher math than algebra.

22.  When I gain weight, the first place you see it is my face.

23.  I lost about 20 lbs. after getting my MFA.

24.  I love angry chick music.

25.  My least favorite color is pink.

26.  Grateful Dead, The Rolling Stones, and Genesis all remind me of riding in my dad's car as a little kid.

27.  The Eagles and the Beatles remind me of riding in my mom's car as a little kid.

28.  My favorite band as a kid was Queen.

29.  I almost minored in Criminal Justice when I was in college.

30.  I was in ROTC in high school.  For a year.  That certainly didn't help my image.

31.  I've always had a semi-secret desire/curiosity about joining the military.

32.  I've taken 2 guys down.  One was out of self defense.  The other was probably because you aren't supposed to hit a girl back.

33.  I should have been Asian.

34.  I prefer regular ol' Budweiser to Bud Lite or Miller Lite.

35.  I detest shorts/pants that have something written across the butt.     ex: *PINK*     *CAPE COD*

36.  My first concert was Chris Isaac/Tina Turner.

38.  I have a hard time imagining how people ever survived without lotion, chapstick and toothpaste.

39.  My dad used to cut my fingernails so short they would bleed.  As an adult, I can't stand to have them much longer than that.

40.  One of my biggest turn offs is a guy with long nails.

41.  I am part Cherokee.  I attribute my ability to get tan despite being so fair solely to this.

42.  My father's side is also somewhat distantly related to Abraham Lincoln.

43.  My mom's side has primarily consisted of really poor people from Poland and England.

44.  I have a long lineage of sailors on both sides.  And because of this I feel that I should be allowed to say as many bad words as I can, as much as possible.

45.  I also link that lineage to my seemingly evolved iron stomach.  I have been hung over maybe only twice in my life.  I do not test this much, however.

46.  I have allergic reactions to pretty much all soap.

47.  I have an extreme phobia of germs.

48.  Before I moved to the south I thought "sweet tea" was the raspberry flavored lipton.

49.  My top 3 favorite writers are T.S. Eliot, Albert Camus, and Elizabeth Wurtzel.

50.  When I was in college (at Maryland) I worked the "late night" shift at the cafeteria.  My best friend Nicole and I scooped ice cream.  We always had the longest line.

51.  I currently have a huge crush on my 3rd grade boyfriend.

52.  I'm obsessed with lol cats, and marriedtothesea.

53.  I hate running.

54.  I love flip flops and cowboy boots.

55.  I've never so much as put "sun-in" in my hair.  And recently some young snot that works in a salon told me that it is virtually impossible to be over 30 and still a natural blonde.  I've got less than 5 years, that chick is going DOWN!

56.  I like R.E.M. -sorry Mike

57.  I once wrote a 30 page art history research paper in 2 days.  I had to stay up for two full nights.  I got an A on it.  We can chalk this up as another success story in the history of ADD medication. 

58.  I have 3 birth marks.

59.  I've got an ever-growing admiration for folksy sounding country music.

60.  When I was in middle school I got made fun for my larger lower lip.  The boys told me that when I died, they would cut if off and use it as a speed bump.  It upset me a lot then.  Now I think my lips are hot.

61.  I almost got a tattoo once.  Had my money in hand and knew what I wanted, and the guys at the shop told me I couldn't get it the way I wanted, so I didn't get it.  Haven't gotten the nerve to go back to a tattoo place...yet?

62.  I listen to words more than melody.

63.  I've been told that I snore quietly.

64. My left arm is over two inches shorter than my right.

65.  I listen to NPR.

66.  Things touch me differently from others.  I can easily be moved to tears by a TV commercial.  

67. I wear men's deodorant.  I'm not a big sweater, but that crap for women doesn't cut it.  

68.  When I was in high school I wore men's Polo Sport.  I like masculine smells.

69.  I was born on the cusp between Aries and Taurus.  According to some calendars, 4:20 is the last day of Aries, to others it is the first day of Taurus.  I see both of those in me oddly enough.  And equally.  It is a sea-saw between stubbornness and thoughtfulness...between loud and quiet...and sometimes between rage and soft tears: schizophrenically different emotions.

70.  My middle name is from my Grandmother: Elizabeth.

71.  I was supposed to be called "Kathy" instead of Katie.  My parents had agreed on it, and whilst coming to after her emergency C-section, my mother heard my father on the phone telling everyone about "Katie!"  This could be why they're not married anymore.  lol

72.  I want to birth only boys.

73.  I hate lima beans.

74.  I love kisses on the forehead.

75.  66.6% of my cars have been Mazdas.

76.  I am a red lipstick or chapstick only type of girl.

77.  My shoe size is 6.5

78.  I wax my own eyebrows.

79.  I love the Clintons.

80.  I hate being cold.

81.  I was an honor roll student in high school.  The only "C" I ever got was in grad school.  I think I cried, but I kind of needed a good kick in the ass at that time.

82.  My cat is pretty much like my child.

83.  When I was in elementary school I'd get made fun of for being so blonde.  The boys would call me an albino.

84.  I don't drink coffee.

85.  I hate how a lot of members of my generation think it is no big deal to be late or totally flake out when something is planned.

86.  I love cheese/all things dairy.  But I'm trying to quit.

87.  I've only gotten one speeding ticket.  It was in Starke, FL (which I later found out was the "speed trap capital of the nation").  It was for $250.  I drove 3 hours to fight it and the cop never showed up.  :)

88.  I am a serial reader.

89.  I like red things.  Especially red furniture.

90.  Mosquitoes absolutely love me.

91.  I have been wearing a jade bracelet for two years now.  At the beginning it was supposed to test out whether or not I could handle having a tattoo...something on the body, at all times, clashing with outfits, etc.  Now it is symbolic of more.

92.  I am obsessed with skin care products.

93.  If I never set a finger on a PC again I'll be happy.  Mac all the way.

94.  My least favorite month of the year is February.  Lots of people I love have died this month.  And Valentines day is also during that month.  I've never had a good Valentines day experience.  This past year, my now ex-boyfriend didn't send or do anything for me on the 14th (he lived in Miami).  He stated that he "didn't think I was into that kind of thing" (!?!?!?!) and then begrudgingly sent me flowers on the 15th.  My step-dad felt bad that I'd gotten nothing on Valentines day so he hurried to CVS to get me a box of chocolate.  The first month after we broke up, ex-boyfriend sent me flowers every week (see above photo).  To little too late buddy.

95.  I have extremely oily skin.

96.  In college I was part of a fake sorority.  We called ourselves Beta Delta Kappa Alpha (Badunka) and would go out the same night as the real houses and chalk up the sidewalk.  While Tri-Delta would advertise their annual ice cream social, we'd entice people to come ride camels in the cafeteria.  We even made shirts and had sorority colors: ebony and black.  Our flower was a dandelion.

97.  If I was stranded on a island with access to only seven things, they would be a knife, rope, an infinite supply of wine, chapstick, lotion, toothpaste, and Vince Vaughn.  He'd keep me busy making me laugh and we could spend lots of spare time populating the island.

98.  I am 18% body fat.

99.  I am a piler.  I pile things up.  It drives my parents crazy, but pretty much know what you can find in each pile.

100.  The clock in my car doesn't work and I don't wear a watch...so I can never leave my cell phone at home.

But wait! Theres more!

"Remember the words of Chairman Mao: 'Its always darkest before it's totally black.'"

-John McCain

AND apparently Sarah Palin's 17-year-old daughter is pregnant.  Thats awesome!  Maybe if a little less time was spent teaching creationism and a little more time teaching that "x-rated sex-ed class," that poor girl wouldn't be in this debacle.  

AND after writing my last blog I came across Palin's alleged dislike of polar bears.  Apparently she doesn't think they should be added to the endangered species list.  Why you ask?  I think it has a lot to do with her drive to drill in the National Parks up there.  Thats not going to work so well with all those darn endangered species running around.  

I changed up the background after trying to read one of my blogs and having my eyes hurt afterwards.  The black background with the white lettering is no good for reading.  My pictures will look a lot less sexy without the black background, but such is life.

  

Really McCain? A "Pro-Life feminist?"

Upon hearing the news of Senator McCain appointing Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin to be his running mate, I am left with a few things to say.

I have to wonder if this was simply an attempt to embrace the disappointed Hillary supporters (I am one of them, although I feel much better about Obama after the convention).  Does McCain think that women will vote for him merely because his VP is female?  To be fair, as a (feminist) woman, it was pretty cool to have a woman run a (near) successful campaign for presidency in a major political party.  It is pretty tragic that some of the women who paved the way for this to occur (namely the suffragettes) are not here today to have witnessed that.  However-to put aside those warm, fuzzy feelings for a moment, this country is in BIG TROUBLE (welcome back!- To those of you who didn't know this already, I hope you watched the convention).  Throughout Hillary's campaign, I (like most other women I know) was INFINITELY more struck by her intellect, enthusiasm about a possible brighter future for Americans, and drive to set this country back on its feet than I was in the knowledge that we both have a uterus.  Hillary Clinton has proven to be someone that men and women alike can feel good about supporting.  

Sarah Palin is no Hillary Clinton.

1-Hillary Clinton majored in political science at Wellesley, graduated with departmental honors, and gave the commencement address to her fellow classmates at graduation.  She was active in political campaigning at both Wellesley and Yale-where she received her law degree.  Sarah Palin MINORED in politics at the University of Idaho.  She spent her 22nd year winning the Miss Wasilla contest and went on to score second in the Miss Alaska Beauty Pageant.

2-After 30 years of actively working for the Democratic Party, in 2000 Hillary Clinton was elected to the Senate.  After 8 successful years as a New York senator, she ran for President.  Sarah Palin has been Governor of Alaska for ALMOST 2 years.  Before this, she had a few unsuccessful campaigns of her own (Lieutenant Governor, the Senate).  She did however, spend 2 years on the Wasilla City Council. 

3-Hillary Clinton is probably best remembered for designing a then unsuccessful yet pretty brilliant health care plan during her husband's time in office.  In the early years after law school she was active in children's law and would later become the co-founder of the Arkansas Advocates for Children and Families.  In 1984 she won the title of Arkansas Woman of the Year largely for her work to better education in the state.  She became the first First Lady to take up an office in the West Wing of the White House.  From there she was only second to Eleanor Roosevelt in being the most influential First Lady in matters of public policy.  In the Senate, among other things, she has been a loud voice of opposition for war surges and in favor of a scheduled troop withdrawal.  Hillary Clinton is Pro-Choice and an active supporter of adoption and foster care programs.  She is a supporter of Civil Unions with full equality of benefits.  Sarah Palin, who refers to herself as a "Pro-Life feminist," is strongly opposed to abortion.  She supports the teaching of creationism alongside of evolution in public schools and is an enthusiastic member of the NRA.  Palin signed into law the largest budget Alaska has ever seen during her first year as the governor and is also opposed to same-sex marriages.  But apparently she does have some gay friends and is "quite receptive" to GLBT concerns about discrimination.  

I don't want to drag Sarah Palin down too much here.  I mean, I think she'd be a cool chick to have a beer with sometime-her favorite food is moose burgers!  Thats pretty cool, right?  And I'm not knocking her for competing in a beauty contest.  My best friend competed in Miss Maryland last year and will again this year.  What I am questioning is how secure I'm going to feel if McCain wins in November, and kicks the bucket before his 4 years are up.  I'd trust Mrs. Palin implicitly to tell me which ponds are best for ice fishing or what kind of hairspray keeps your bathing suit from giving you a wedgie.  But I do not think I'd trust her with the United States of America.

This will be a very interesting next couple of months.  What'll they come up with next!?!

And don't worry Johnny, I wasn't planning on voting for you anyway.

Rough

"Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky."

-Rainer Maria Rilke

JUST SAY NO (to cheese?)!

"The belly rules the mind"

-Spanish Proverb

I heard some grave news today.

I'll first start by explaining that I have had problem skin for the past several years.  I wouldn't call it full fledged morbid acne, but for at least the past 10 years I've had AT LEAST one SERIOUS blemish at all times.  I've tried everything from Tetracycline, to Proactiv, to glycolic based cleansers/toners,  to birth control pills, to egg/garlic based masks, to simply dove soap, to Retin-A, to 100% natural make-up-and back again-And NOTHING has made a whole lot of a difference.  I don't even want to think about how much money I have spent on skin care in my short lifetime.  The number would be sickening.  

As of yesterday, I read in TWO different publications (Cosmo and Women's Health aka the bibles) that DAIRY (!?!?!?!?!) is often the culprit behind breakouts.  After researching further, I couldn't exactly pinpoint the specific reason why milk based products cause acne (most sources linked it more or less to hormones in the cow), but the sources were unfortunately pretty scientific-which must mean that there is at least some truth to it.

Ok.  I've seriously got a problem here.

Let me put this in perspective.  If I had to choose to NEVER eat either cheese or chocolate EVER again in my life, I would HAPPILY forgo tasting chocolate (CHOCOLATE!) in favor of being able to continue to enjoy cheese.  I consume more dairy products than probably 90% of American children.  I've drank a glass of milk almost every day since I can remember.  If I'm starving at 3 am I ravage my mom's refrigerator in search of a cheese slice.  The only way I can stomach salad is if there is some sort of crumbled cheese on it.  My favorite dessert is cheesecake.  Macaroni and cheese comprises a good 20% of my weekly meals.  Cheese goes beautifully with my drink of choice: wine.  My most favorite dishes have at least some element of cheese in them.  I literally get at least 3 cheese cravings a day.

I really don't know what to do.  I tried to avoid cheese all day.  My efforts were unsuccessful.

BREAKFAST:  I poured myself some cereal.  

"Damn!  I'm WAY past the sell-by on this carton (hey, I've been out of town), oh wait...I'm not supposed to be drinking milk anyway."

LUNCH: My mom made me a sandwich.

"Mmmmmm, ham and cheese...wait...UGH!"

DINNER:  I was on my break at work.  A little carton of "easy mac" was batting is promiscuous eyelashes at me from my purse.  

"Easy mac...or go buy something else.  I'm broke...besides, I bet everything I could possibly BUY has dairy in it.  Good justification, Katie."

So yeah... O and 3

I seriously need some advice.  This is maybe more tragic than Hillary losing to Obama.  And if you know me at all, you'd know that I cried that day.

And I've mercilessly ridiculed vegans my whole life.  Karma is such a bitch.

I took this picture in Colorado.  Probably after eating some god damn cheese.

I'm hungry.

The day that nothing changed.

"In the end is my beginning."

-Eliot

Sooooo, at this VERY moment, instead of being on the autotrain moving to Miami, I am pulling an all nighter so I can drive to the airport at 4 am.  I'm going to Vail for the weekend to see my stepsister and stepbrother.  I'll take lots of pictures-PROMISE!  Be back Monday.

Ok so Joos always makes me smile

Ok ok ok ok ok...no matter how bad of a night you might be having, when you find THIS on the internet you can't help but smile.

My very dear friend William Joos is without a doubt the best photographer I've come into contact with.  PLEASE check out his website.  This was his thesis show work-and I love how Sarah Jones and I are exhibiting the "same sex relationship" here.  Well- if I was gonna do that with anyone, you'd be it JONES!  well...maybe.  For all of you who are confused...my head is on Sarah's body and her head is on my (Savannah thesis weight) body.  And I can't get over how clean this photo makes my house look.  AND my baby Venus' pose in the background!  HYSTERICAL!  Seriously-you all must check him out.

Give MAMA a JOB!

"Leave it to me as I find a way to be

Consider me a satellite, forever orbiting

I knew all the rules, but the rules did not know me

Guaranteed"

-Eddie Vedder, Guaranteed 

 

My friend Tara (fellow SCADie) and I are going to start shooting some weddings together.  More info to come!  She's designing a little flyer for us (she also does graphic design...God I totally should have done that) that I shall post here when it is finished.  TELL YOUR MARRYING-TYPE FRIENDS (bc mamas got BILLS)!

That's going to be all for tonight...feeling a bit emotionally "under the weather" I shall say.  SO you know what that means!  Time for some good 'ol healthy BOTTLING UP OF FEELINGS!  HOORAY!

haha...and do you all notice that this picture looks JUST like the other wedding picture I took/posted a few days ago?  Disturbing. 

Oh, but before I go-you all should check THIS out.  Pretty friggin' amazing.

Time?

"What if we chose the wrong religion?  Each week we just make God madder and madder."

-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

TONS of effects of reciprocity failure, but at least at this size it looks neat.  This was a 13 second shot nightshot off the side of my parent's boat.  Time might be interesting to explore.  Been done, but what hasn't?

Shut up and do it.

"My heart is like a mason's heavy weathered skin, each scar makes it harder for me to hurt again."

-Avett Brothers, Pretty Girl from Chile

I've been in the process of (more thinking than doing) beginning a new body of work called Manscape.  The idea was in some form born even before the first photograph in Decay Constant.   For some reason this series isn't pouring from me in the way my thesis show stuff did.  The top photograph here is an EXTREMELY elementary version of an idea I have for it (the real one definitely won't feature my feet anywhere in the frame).  The bottom photo is a cookie-cutter-whatever-Annapolis-photo I took tonight after the Wednesday night races (and is  in no way related to Manscape so don't worry).

I feel like I can't shoot this work the same way that I shot Decay Constant.   The landscapes (?) that I have been planning will not allow for that 2.8 aperture/shallow misty depth that has become a big part of my style/aesthetic.  I love f-2.8...I cannot really ever imagine anything above f-11 even.  Is it possible to successfully shoot something in a style seemingly different from my own?  But then again I want these photos to be a little funny.  Decay Constant was so friggin serious.  I don't want any mystery.  I want straight forward, awkward, and ironic.  Misty, shallow depth won't do those things.  

I always do this.  I think myself into a corner.  I think about everything before I do it and stress myself out about it.  I don't think I've ever planned a photo that I have actually liked in the end.  Sure in Decay Constant I would set out to photograph a certain person, a certain area, or a certain thing, but the only photos I would actually LOVE were the ones that I shot on a whim...in an unplanned light/untried/thought of angle/obscure moment.  Its like split personality disorder.  I've always had a tendency to be entirely too cerebral...but things (not just photography) always seem to turn out best when I haven't really thought about them too much.  But to not "think(!?!?!?!)" about something too much before I do it...why, that goes against everything I stand for!  Its like an epic battle between Aries and Taurus (I was born on 4:20, and no one ever knows which sign I'm supposed to be), and Aries always wins. 

If you are reading this Rebecca Nolan (an old professor of mine), I'm sorry.  I'll "shut up and do it"...just like you always told me.