"We're going to free the shit out of you."

"Poetry is an orphan of silence.  The words never quite equal the experience behind them."

-Charles Simic

When you remodel a house, it means you get to do all the things you've never been allowed to do...like tag the wall in your kitchen.

Oh and yes.  Take notes.

I'm giving up negativity for lent

"There is one thing one has to have: either a soul that is cheerful by nature, or a soul made cheerful by work, love, art, and knowledge."

-Nietzsche

YHPRUM's Law and our greatest achievements

"You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of.  You will never live if you are looking for the meaning in life."

-Albert Camus

I told my friend 7 that I was going to write a blog about this and it has taken me a few weeks to begin.  Heres hoping I do the topic justice.

YHPRUM's Law: The opposite of Murphy's law; Everything that can work, will work.

7 and I are friends that share a common bond.  We're both driven individuals who are less than enthralled in our current situations.  He was recently let go from a management position in a coffee house (thankfully he simultaneously worked at Fado), and has had lots of trouble finding something equally as challenging/rewarding that will grant him the same sort of quality of living he had enjoyed before...and me...I'm pretty much a grossly overeducated waitress.  Probably more than anything I'm searching for a job that will allow for much more intellectual stimulation than my current situation...and simultaneously give me a salary large enough to pay off my student loans and live more comfortably.  

We spent a few hours talking in a bar a couple weeks ago.  Over beer and mashed potatoes we had a long discussion about existence.  Though neither of us have degrees in physics or philosophy, we both come pretty well read.  We compared notes on things like existentialism and the expansion of the universe and came to a conclusion; Maybe the meaning of life is simply to live.

"What is the difference between an MFA and a large pizza?," Harvest joked on my voicemail last night, "A large pizza can feed a family of 3, and well...mama can't even feed herself these days."  She is currently working on commission in Utah taking pictures of tourists going down the Park City ski slopes.  She called me after her first day of "training" for the job. "Katie, they went over "aperture" for 6 hours.  I wanted to eat glass.  What the fuck am I doing with my life?"

I sent her and Lilith a text the other day threatening that if anyone else asked me why I am simultaneously waitressing and holding a master's degree, I was going to "go postal."  Both ladies were in agreement.

I tend to get down on myself a lot.  A lot of my friends do the same thing to themselves.  But maybe we shouldn't.  I think we all spend far too much time worrying about the meaning of life.  We all are too consumed with money and professional aspirations and we forget that the things that really matter are those we don't have to work for: parents, children, brothers, sisters, friends.  Relationships with those people matter.  Relationships with YOURSELF matter.  I don't mean to sound as though I am giving up.  I'm certainly not able to spend as much as I did on a MFA and not use it, but I keep hearing that good things come to those who wait.

I waited on an old couple a few days ago.  The man was the one who especially struck me.  As his wife ordered liquor for herself, he simply drank tonic water and explained that he was unable to drink due to his medication.  He shook in a manner so pronounced that it almost looked fake.  He reminded me of my grandfather and I loved him for that.  He ordered the lamb french dip and was quite concerned about the amount of fat in the meat.  I told him there wasn't much, and came back later to see how he liked it.  He said it reminded him of his "greatest achievement:"

"When my great aunt was dying in a nursing home I rushed home from grad school one day and made a huge rack of lamb.  When I was finished I brought it to her and she told me she couldn't eat it.  'Just let me smell it,' she had said.  I remember how big her smile was that day."

Hey, hey, little fighter girl, its you and me up against this whole wide world...

I believe I should have made this my "fare forward" photo.  It would have matched "seamen" better.  Oh well.

In any event- This is for you Sweet T (note the name change).  Feel free to steal this one as well.  :)

Fare Forward

"Fare forward, you who think that you are voyaging;

You are not those who saw the harbour

Receding, or those who will disembark.

Here between the hither and the farther shore

While time is withdrawn, consider the future

And the past with an equal mind.

At the moment which is not of action or inaction

You can receive this: "on whatever sphere of being

The mind of a man may be intent

At the time of death"--that is the one action

(And the time of death is every moment)

Which shall fructify in the lives of others:

And do not think of the fruit of action.

Fare Forward.

O voyagers, O seamen,

You who come to port, and you whose bodies

will suffer the trial and judgement of the sea,

Or whatever event, this is your real destination.

So Krishna, as when he admonished Arjuna

On the field of battle.

Not fare well,

But fare forward, voyagers."

-T.S. Eliot

Full is not as heavy as empty

"This is the turning point," she says.

Turning Point.

Tipping Point.

"I envision so much more for you," Love says.

I'm shaking and crying and I can't imagine sleeping even though I've been working for 13 hours straight.  I can't imagine sleeping ever again.  I can't imagine being tired ever again.  I can't imagine not being tired.  I'm SO tired.  Tired has become something entirely different.  Something beyond mental and emotional exhaustion that turns into being wired.  Punishment.  Rest would be too kind for me.  I wish I could be JUST tired.

"It starts now," she says.  How does it start now?  How do you move from this point?  How do you give it all up without speaking?  How do you let something you have given so much to for so long slip through your fingers without a word?  Wouldn't that be giving up?  Am I supposed to give up?  Is this positive?  Is that not defeat?  Is there anyone winning here?  Is there anything left to be won?  Giving.  Giving up.  Giving in.  Giving out.  Giving to myself.

I would love to sleep.

I would love to sleep before I work 38 hours straight.  All over again.  

All over again.

All over again.

All over again.

All over again.

"Monumental changes happen one day at a time," she says before getting off the phone. 

Things need to and will change.  Monumentally. 

I'm waiting, but I'm not waiting anymore.

Best Valentines Day ever.

Thank you for my V-day gift Love.  Best bookmark I've ever had.

Numb

"Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way."

-Pink Floyd

This week in pictures...well other pictures

Love, Lee and Snap's friday night outing.

Photo by Lee Future

First and Severn

"I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop.  This is the night, what it does to you.  I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion."

-Jack Kerouac

A year in the making...

"For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation."

-Rainer Maria Rilke

So this was one of the first photos I had planned on taking in Annapolis.  Back in December of '07 my step dad had me installing ceiling tiles with him in the Naval base barracks on the other side of the Severn.  This tree can be found behind the building that houses both the dorms as well as the dining hall.  I was absolutely captivated by these boots dangling in the tree: maybe beautiful and slightly morbid...which just happens to be my most favorite combination EVER.  haha.

I didn't actually take this photo until late November 2008.  SOME of the waiting can be attributed to the fact that I really wanted to wait until I could get the "it is about to snow" looking sky for the background.  I finally got out to take this photo the at sunrise the day after the last time I saw Boh.  I was terrified that the shoes would be gone or that I would get arrested for trespassing, but I lucked out.

For you Love: Hope (...?)

"Hope is the physician of each misery."

-Irish Proverb

Hope?

Still no title for this series...

"And I don't mind waiting if it takes a long, long time.  And I don't mind braving the coldest winter of our time.  And I don't mind racing through our goodbyes."

-Rilo Kiley

For Patrick.

"Three feet of ice does not result from one day of cold weather."

-Chinese Proverb

Man's best friend

"Are you calling me darling?  Are you calling me bird?  Thats not my name."

-The Ting Tings

Since you liked the last one so much, this is for you Barduhn.  This is my friend Mat's (fellow UMD photo dept TA) Shepard.  He speaks his commands to it in German, because (as Mat says), he is a German Shepard.  It is absolutely wild.  Best behaved/trained dog I have ever encountered.  And I'm sure you and Mat would be absolutely inseparable.  I should introduce you guys.