"If there is a sin against life, it consists...in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life"-Albert Camus
Before I begin this I will just clarify that YES my boyfriend and I DID break up. A few weeks ago. Please don't say sorry, because I'm not upset about it.
In fact, I'm inspired to write this blog. Here is hoping that this doesn't come off as some jaded, malicious attempt at literary revenge. I've got no hard feelings. Life is too short.
However, I do feel as though I've dodged quite a bullet. Don't get me wrong, things with exboyfriend (I'm totally stealing from you Lindz) were not so horrible. I mean...at least he didn't cheat on me.
But really, that utterance disturbs me quite a bit. I feel like I was with this guy for far too long solely based on the principle that things really weren't THAAAAAAAT bad. How bad does it have to be to be too bad? I mean, I'm 25, educated, motivated, attractive (just so long as it isn't 6 am after several glasses of wine the previous night), sort of funny, rational, friendly, etc., why should I ever settle for something that is "OK." Lets face it- marriage (from an outsiders perspective) is not nearly as cool as we (ladies) all thought it would be at ages 5-20. You're with the same person forever after that (I come from a LONG since divorced set of parents, and I've seen the good/bad/ugly sides of it...and divorce is not for me). If you're going to have to endure someone's morning breath, habit of leaving the toilet seat up, road rage, nail biting (these are all my pet peeves, can you tell? PLEASE NOTE: these are things that bother me about ANYONE-this does not necessarily have to do with my previous relationship), laziness when it comes to household tasks, lack of regard to finances, etc. there better be some very real drives that will keep you in love with and attracted to the same person indefinitely. I am aware that NOTHING will ever be PERFECT, but I think that the give and takes shouldn't be dire. And at the beginning of a relationship (a year or less is definitely the beginning) if things are just "OK," how do you expect them to be in 5 years? 20 years? 40 years?
After much thought, and conversing with my mother (who has bought me this book and insisted I read it) I've come to the conclusion that women have quite a tendency to settle. We stick with things that are "far less than perfect, but not as bad as they COULD be." This could be caused by any number of things. Women, as a whole, are more nurturing and motherly than men, and so maybe we stick with not so great situations because we feel that we can change our partners for the better. Maybe we've been so historically brainwashed into viewing ourselves as second class citizens (in this role), that we can't help but feel a bit that way even in 2008 (here's hoping that isn't it). Maybe we've been so wired to think about our "child bearing future" (my mom's been bugging me for a grandchild for the past 3 years) that we rush into less than perfect relationships with people to ensure that we don't miss that opportunity. Maybe (as my mom suggested) some women don't think they deserve to be treated like the wonderful human beings that they are.
Now guys...I'm not suggesting women are alone in this. I've known many guys who have been in the same situation as I had been over the past year. But I feel that ultimately, it is more of a female phenomenon.
I can see the other side to this as well. I have a few female relatives who are unmarried and nearing their mid-30s. I can definitely understand their muted horror at the thought that maybe they are "too late." But I don't think it is ever too late. I know it that this is pretty easy for me to say at 25, but it is my sincere hope that if and when that age comes and I am still alone, that I am comfortable enough with myself to not find issue in it. Sometimes I think that I could sooner see myself as someone's mom than someone's wife.
So this is my message to you ladies...and gentlemen :)
Learn to love yourselves. You are all you've got. Do not expect or put up with treatment that is less than what you deserve/give. Do not ignore unhappiness. It will not fade until you've recognized it and done something about it. Learn to let go of the things that are holding you back from being the most happy/successful person you can be.
And make sure that nothing is keeping you from smiling. :)
1 comment:
I definitely agree with you that women have a tendency to accept things the way that they are and "make the best of them," unlike men who will aggressively set about trying to change things.
But, counterpoint: I also think that the media sets women up for failure. We are made to believe that meeting a man is our happily-ever-after. Movies end in weddings, in babies, in that first kiss under the moonlight.
Movies should not end there. That's where they should begin. And then they should show the difficulty of being with one person for year after year, the realization that lust and infatuation fade after a time and give way to something more solid, but less marketable.
This realistic occurrence goes against the unrealistic expectations that the media sends out. Marriage is not a happy ending. It is not the be-all, end-all. But the media makes it seem this way, which is part of why I think women choose to stay in relationships in the hope that "this is just a blip" or "I should be happy because I have my man."
Those damn romantic comedies.
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